The B̶o̶u̶r̶n̶e̶ Bottom Endurance.

So...today I was back at the Princess Alexandra for my pre-op tests.Last night I stayed at Ros's and this morning she dropped me off at the hospital at 7.30 am.I had no letter with me this time as I usually have and all I could remember of what the guy on the phone had told me was 'take the orange lifts to level 3 and go to Cardiothoracic Reception at 8.00 am.'I did all that and found myself in Ward 3c. The dark haired nurse looked up."Nicholas Allen" I said, "I am here for some tests.""Oh, you are early. Just go back out and you will see a row of chairs and take a seat. I'll be with you shortly."I went out of the door and found some seats and sat down to wait. I had been told that the tests might take all day but I certainly hoped not. What kind of tests were they going to do? I wondered. After about 15 minutes the dark haired nurse appeared and said,"I didn't mean these seats. You need to go around the corner to 3c Outpatients and take a seat there."Feeling a bit of a fool I went round the corner to Outpatients and was about to take a seat when the dark haired nurse appeared beside me. She had come round a different way."Right," she said, handing me some papers, "You need to go to Pathology for some blood tests, and then for a chest x-ray and then come back here for an ECG and then tell the girls you are finished."The sheets had little maps for me to follow to find the right places.So off I went to Pathology, down the Orange lifts, to the ground floor. Pathology was quite busy and I guessed I was going to be a while. I gave in my papers and took a seat.There was a very large gentleman sat to my right who appeared to be snoring but I could not tell if his eyes were closed or not as he was wearing dark glasses. Very little seemed to be happening in terms of hospital work, a lot of moving around, going in and out of doors and standing talking in passageways but no actual calling of names.The walls were plastered with pictures of Poland and one of a church in Taunton, Somerset!The very large gentleman on my right was getting noisier and then I saw that what I thought was his man bag was actually a bag containing an oxygen cylinder. His name was called and I tried not to watch as he tried to get out of his chair and up onto his feet and as he dragged himself off to the nurse.A little Asian lady sidled in, popped a full urine sample bottle into a basket on the reception counter and sidled out again.I was called by an Indian lady who, when she moved here, must have left her sense of humour in Delhi."You will feel a slight prick."Oh, I did.She filled about six different vials with my blood and I nearly said,"Hey, leave some for me!"There were pictures of Peru and Paris on the wall. Today they were obviously bringing us picture that start with the letter 'P'. Was it because it was Pathology. Would there be pictures of Uruguay, Utah and Uttoxeter in Urology? I will never know because I wasn't going there.I went back in the Orange lifts and up to Level 1 to Radiology.I was a little alarmed to see a book entitled 'Knife Crime, UK Gangland' on the reception counter. The 'Check In' girl was busy so I was called forward by the 'Check Out' guy. He took my papers and tapped at his computer."Is this anyone's book?" called the 'Check In' girl, holding 'Knife Crime, UK Gangland' aloft."Nah, it was there yesterday" said the 'Check Out' guy. He invited me to take a seat.I had hardly sat down when I was called in for my x-ray by the cheeriest person so far that day. She was young, so that was probably a factor, and just full of bounce.The x-rays took no time as I stood 'perfectly' for Miss Bounce for my full frontal and a 'sidal' (?)"Just pop back to Reception, you might have to sign something," she said cheerily. I didn't because the 'Check Out' guy had already told me I didn't need to.Back up the Orange lifts to Level 3 and my ECG. The elderly couple in front of me at the desk wangled an early ECG for the husband to save them time later. He was given a number 11. I handed in my papers and she gave me the number 13. I nearly said "13? What happened to 12?"...but didn't.I took another seat facing a set of 6 doors. It was like watching some weird game show 'Guess which door they will come out of next." Some one would go in one door and come out another. It was baffling.The wife of the elderly couple was called. She was '10'. She muttered something to the ECG guy and he called '11' as well, so her husband went in too.I was surely next.The elderly wife was out first, of the same door she went in but her husband came out of the next door along."Number 12" called the ECG guy. I got ready for him to call '13' but another elderly guy stood up and went in.He never came out before I was called in. Behind the door was a very small room with a curtain. It was so small the ECG guy and I were practically embracing."Have you had an ECG before?" he asked." I think so," I said. I've had so many procedures since arriving here I couldn't remember."Just slip your top off and come through."I took my t-shirt off and stepped through the curtain and there was 'elderly 12' fastening up his shirt, in another small room. I almost squealed and covered my nipples."Could you go back in there and close the curtain?" said ECG guy to 'elderly 12'. He did.I understood the door mystery now. Two doors led into one ECG room.The ECG was quick too. He stuck loads of sticky pads all over me, hooked up some leads stood back a moment or two and then took them all off again."Where do I go now?" I asked."I'd see the girls at Reception," he said.I asked the girl at Reception what I should do now. She didn't seem to have a clue."Shall I go back to see the nurse?" I asked."Yes, go back to see the nurse," she said.I went back to Ward 3c. The dark haired nurse was on the phone. She did not look happy with the caller at all and sounded a bit irate. Another woman said,"Can I help?"I told her I had finished all my tests and asked what I should do now."Oh, I am not used to seeing these before lunchtime. You've done well but you need to speak to my colleague here but she is just on the phone. She won't be a moment."The dark haired nurse put her hand over the mouthpiece and snapped,"You need to go and wait in Outpatients. This is the Ward. Wait on the seats out there and I will be with you shortly."She was 'Grumpy' to me now.I slumped off to Outpatients and sat down. The ECG patients were waiting to my right and the people on my right were waiting for Cardio consultants. I doubted it was the right place. Did 'Grumpy' mean the seats outside in the corridor? I didn't know what to do.I went and sat outside in the corridor.Grumpy came along looking for me and it was obvious I was in the wrong place again."Follow me" she said with a sigh."Well, I didn't know which chairs you meant," I whined. "There are so many flippin' chairs here it's unbelievable!"I followed her into a room."Well, you can sit in THAT chair!" She said with a smile pointing at a chair and she walked out. She came back in wheeling a blood pressure machine.It was only then that I noticed she was pregnant. I put her grumpiness down to hormones.The blood pressure machine would not work so she had to do it the old fashioned way. Halfway through her second check I started to tell her I was on blood pressure tablets."Hang on I need to listen" she interrupted.Mt blood pressure was perfect! "Whatever you are on is working" she said.She asked loads of questions and typed it all into the computer,"Who do you live with?""My partner.""Is it a he or a she?""A he.""How did I know that? Do you smoke?""One cigarette when I was about 17.""Non-smoker! Alcohol?""No.""Drugs?""No.""No recreational drugs?""No."She weighed me. The scales said 88.8 kgs and I was dressed. I was in shock!"Any sudden weight loss?""Well, that's the lightest I have been in ages," I said, "It's usually around 93 kgs."She talked about what I should expect in hospital, about pain relief and the strict visiting times She fetched me some special body wash  that I must use before I arrive for my operation and a plastic thing with balls in that I have to suck to help re-inflate my lung."Ooh, a free game!" I said, having a go at it.Next I had to see a Doctor. She went to get him. He was called Jason. He was Asian. He was the second cheeriest person of the day but didn't quite beat Miss Bounce. He asked more questions, some repeats of 'Grumpy Kate's' questions. (I found out her name from Jason.) He was pleased with everything and showed me scans of the 'lump.'It's not small," he said.After Jason Kate came back and took me off to the Pre-Admissions Clinic."Go get something to eat, I'll drop these papers off at the desk for you."I had a quick lunch and hot chocolate. The very large gentleman from pathology waddled in, sat down and put on his oxygen mask. I resisted buying a cake. He hadn't.Back at the Pre-Admissions Clinic the Receptionist looked World weary and moved about like a teenager forced to do something they don't want to.She couldn't find me on the system and was wondering why when I heard my name being called. I rushed away towards the voice leaving her holding my medicare card and looking bewildered.I had to be weighed and my height measured. I was now 90.2 kgs....Damn lunch! The World weary receptionist sloped in and gave me back my medicare card and sloped off again.My blood pressure was taken again.It was still perfect."In fact everything looks perfect," said the nurse looking at my notes."What the hell are you doing in here then?" leaned in another nurse."Ah, I have something growing inside me that needs taking out, " I said, "but apart from that I am perfect!"I had to go back out and wait in the seats again. All life was here...it was very busy and everyone was fed up of going here and there and waiting for this test and that test. It was not a happy place. I discovered that many of the seats were taken up by interpreters waiting to translate for other patients.Next I was called by Tamara, a pharmacist who wanted to check my medications. I only take the one blood pressure tablet so that did not take long. I must still take it on the day of my operation.Back to the seats and now came the longest wait...even I was losing the will to live and I at least appreciated that everybody was doing their best and I felt lucky to be there in the first place getting this 'lump' thing sorted....but I could have reached out and grabbed 'World weary' and screamed "HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ME? WHEN AM I GOING TO BE CALLED AGAIN?!"It was well over an hour and a half of mind numbing channel 9 TV and the groans of all manner of people, old, young, white, black, fat and thin before Sam called me. He was an anaesthetist and the last person I was to see.I will have a general anaesthetic....I knew that. It is delivered by cannula. Did I have any questions?"Yes, how do you know I am knocked out and not feeling everything?""Ah, yes a genuine concern. Look, it only happens to about 1 in a thousand."WHAT?! I nearly ran out there and then. That's a lot of people! Sam wasn't putting my mind at rest. Shut up Sam, let me go! I was thinking. I've had enough anyway.Finally I was free to go. It was 2.00 pm and I had been there since 7.30 am. My bum was numb.I still have no date for my operation but 'Grumpy Kate' thinks it might be Monday.Watch this space.