Five days.

Jacqueline and Co...(My last day in hospital).

It was unusual to be in a mixed ward.Initially there was Jacqueline, Barbara, Maurice and I but they later moved Barbara and brought in Hamiora, who had been in Intensive Care.Barbara had had open heart surgery. She had initially been under doctors at the Gold Coast Hospital but had been moved to Brisbane when it was recently revealed that two high ranking surgeons at that hospital were being investigated for fraud. She was on her 6th week in hospital and was thoroughly fed up but the wound on her leg, where they had removed a vein for use in her operation, was not healing well and her doctors were considering a further operation. I heard one nurse discussing her leg with another and she used the word 'necrotic'.Barbara was quite large and bubbly considering the length of her confinement and the most upbeat and cheerful of the others. She had recently fallen on a trip to the loo and now was very nervous of moving about without assistance. She was diabetic but shared with me the secret that she had a packet of crisps and a bottle of Pepsi Max stashed away in her drawers.There was a funny moment when she was munching away on the crisps and our ward nurse came out of the shower with Jacqueline and she hid them quickly under her pillow, licked her fingers and waved cheerily to her.On my first night Barbara had a hypo and was brought a lemonade and a yoghurt which she enjoyed gleefully. She was glad to escape our room if only to get away from Jacqueline.Maurice had also had open heart surgery from the tell tale zip line down his chest. I have no idea how long he had been stuck in hospital but he was desperate to go and yet each day his hopes of escape were dashed. He slept the best out of all of us and hated being dragged out of his bed to sit in his chair. He was also diabetic.After he had been admitted his false teeth were misplaced for number of days but had happily been returned to him the day before I arrived. The last night while I was there he was fitted with a heart monitor as they had discovered that his heart was racing at times and they wanted to monitor it but he kept on accidentally removing the leads from the sensors on his chest. He hated the Japanese physiotherapist who, from all intents and purposes, previously worked in a prisoner of war camp on the River Kwai.Maurice had hopeless aim when visiting the toilet so we all learned to wait to visit it until after it had been cleaned whenever he had been in.Hamiora was Maori. He took Barbara's space when she was moved to another ward. He had had a new heart valve fitted. It turned out he was not a footballer at all but managed a transport firm. He was 39, had five children and a granddaughter. His youngest child was 7. On my last morning his wife and three eldest children came to visit him but patients were only allowed two visitors at a time."Fetch, them in," I said to his wife, "and just pretend that two of you are visiting me."Grumpy, pregnant Nurse Kate caught us."Are you pretending these are visiting you?"I had to admit it. "Is that ok?" I smiled sheepishly."O.K" she conceded.Jacqueline was the  most interesting as well as the most annoying of our 'quartet'. She was also diabetic. She was very vocal and initially very melancholy..."I wish I had a gun so I could finish myself off."The first night she hardly slept at all and moaned and complained through most of it wanting to sit in her chair and then go back to bed and then sit in her chair again but the second day she really perked up and was much more upbeat.I initially thought she was only 3 years older than me but she got her date of birth wrong. She was actually born in 1949. On our last morning she just started telling me about her early life. Her grandmother  and father were alcoholics and she spent some time in her early days locked in a room with her siblings while her parents drank. She was one of 10 and had spent most of her childhood in children's homes in Adelaide after her and her brothers and sisters were removed from their parents.  She said the first home was all bars at the windows and high fences. She said that people had come along that were interested in adopting her but her mother always said no."They say I am retarded," she said, "but I am clever. I am really good at jigsaws. I love my jigsaws." Jacqueline couldn't read but really wanted to learn so she could read a book."It's too late now.""It's never too late," I said.She said she was learning to write her name.Hamiora called out to a passing nurse but she didn't hear him."Do you want me to  fetch her?" I asked."I just want to go for a walk," he said, " the topic of conversation is getting too much for me."Jacqueline's speech was very childlike, slow and loud and sometimes she was difficult to follow as she didn't wear her false teeth. She drove everyone mad with her constant chatter and questioning but had a good heart and kept on telling all the nurses how beautiful they were. She loved Will ('isn't he handsome?')and thought we were a lovely couple."There's nothing wrong with it...(being gay). It doesn't matter. I don't care."She had a son. He was schizophrenic and after a recent car accident had ballooned in size due to the medication. He visited one afternoon."Pull your t-shirt down," she kept on saying to him as it rode up over his belly. he was called Werner and had brought a female friend with him."She's got a boyfriend," she told me after they had gone. "She's one of those.....you know..."I didn't know and said so."One of those who used to be a boy. I don't like her. She is bossy."Jacqueline had a partner and had been married once before. She called her new partner her husband  but they were not married. He was a quiet and gentle man and visited regularly and seemed intelligent, very much on the geeky side.She cleaned for a living and the two ladies she cleaned house for also visited her while I was there. It just goes to show how well she was thought of by these people.She wanted to go and visit Barbara. I knew which ward she had been moved to so said I would take her. She held my hand we shuffled slowly down the corridor to find Barbara.Later on my last morning Grumpy Kate and another nurse were doing an inspection of people's skin to check for bedsores. They checked Jacqueline first."You need to wear a bra," they told her. "You are putting strain on your wound.""You have lovely breasts," said Jacqueline, "I wish I had breasts like yours."I haven't mentioned Jacqueline's breasts but I will just say that the short purple nighty that she wore, which came down to just below her waist, only just covered them.Maurice was checked next."Can we see you bottom?" They asked."Yes, but don't pat it." He said.I was thinking surely they won't check me. I have only been in two and a bit days and hardly have time for bedsores to set in....but no.They pulled the curtains round and checked my feet and back."Can we look at your bottom now?""Crikey! You've got a good job," I said, but I obviously made their day!I was the first to escape the ward though Jacqueline was also told that she could go home the same day as me. She wanted hugs off Will and I. Maurice shook my hand and I thought 'Hmmm, I better wash that now as soon as I can.'I wished Hamiora luck and popped into say goodbye to Barbara and walked out into the sunshine and warm humid air of a Brisbane day.

River recovery.

So...I was released yesterday about lunchtime and we headed straight off on the three hour journey to Ashby. I slept a little on the way and travelled comfortably. It is the perfect place to recuperate here with the cool breeze, the quiet and the all embracing comfort while the mighty Clarence slides slowly past. We spied an auspicious Brolga as we arrived and Will thought he saw dolphins. We were treated to mullet steamed in banana leaves and a delicious fennel salad for dinner and Tracy's mum had made bread and butter pudding for dessert which capped it all off.How very lucky I am.

Keeping my balls up.

There are four beds in my room occupied by Barbara, Maurice, Jacqueline and I. Last night Maurice slept like a log, Barbara had a hypo, and Jacqueline cleared her throat all night like 'Ann Elk' in the Monty Python sketch. I didn't sleep at all."Have you drunk any water?" Asked Telma the nurse."A bit," I said."Hmmm, I don't want to give you a catheter," she said."Fetch me a jug of water," I said.At midnight I asked to go to the toilet. Telma helped me hobble into the loo pushing my drip trolley and carrying my drain box.She offered to go out but I didn't care if she stayed as I sat down to wee. I felt something warm and wet on my left side and upper left leg and noticed that it was blood. I told Telma about it and she pressed a button for assistance and soon another nurse joined us."This is cosy," I said, never for one minute imagining that I would ever be on the loo weeing and bleeding with two nurses wondering what to do.They got me back in bed, cleaned me up and changed the dressing. My blood pressure alternated between low and high throughout the long night. I was comfortable but remembered everything. I was scared to go to the loo again at 5.30am but I was bursting. It all went well and Telma left me alone. I sat in my chair after that until breakfast chatting with Barbara and Jacqueline. Maurice hid behind his curtains. After breakfast Dr Cole arrived with his entourage and said that the drain could be removed."Has my lung reinflated?" I asked."We reinflated it in the theatre after the operation." He said.I said I had only used my pain killer button twice and he said that perhaps they would remove that later too. He said when I could show I could walk and manage the pain with tablets alone I would be allowed to go home.A physiotherapist arrived and marched me round the ward twice and I came back in the most pain I had felt so far.Kylie took over from Telma and Kylie removed my drain. I didn't feel it coming out but was alarmed to see how much tubing she pulled out of me.I felt much better after the drain came out. Will arrived at 10. A bevvy of female doctors arrived. I impressed them by showing them how I could keep my balls up on my 'triflow'  device and they ordered me off the pain relief drip and onto tablets. I had a shower and came out a different man in my own clothes.I had an email from Stanthorpe offering me a weeks supply in June and a week in July with years 5/6 and 3/4 respectively...which I accepted.By lunchtime Kylie had removed my cannulas and I was feeling quite chipper. They moved Barbara to another room as someone was coming from ICU and needed to be near the nurses station. At 2.00pm I was taken for an X-ray and came back to find the pubic hair shaver in Barbara's place. It turns out he is a Maori footballer... I wonder if he is famous.The doctors came round again at 4.30 and were pleased with my progress and said that if all goes well I can get out tomorrow.I honestly cannot believe I have recovered so quickly.

The operation.

So...I arrived at the P.A. Hospital yesterday at 8.00 am with Will and checked in before being sent up to the Pre-Op department. It was very busy and I expected a bit of a wait but we had hardly sat down before my name was called by Sabina."Are you waiting or going?" She asked Will. We both hesitated not expecting to be parted so soon, but both felt she was indicating he should leave. We didn't have time for a proper goodbye in the packed waiting room before he was gone and I followed Sabina. Firstly I changed into fetching paper underwear and a mauve smock and then found Sabina was waiting in another seating area sat by a large computer monitor on a trolley.The check in procedure that followed took about an hour with Sabina asking hundreds of questions. I got the impression she was pretty much a beginner as she had prompts written on her arm which she crossed off at various points in the interview. There were other people waiting too but they were not being grilled. Sabina had trouble with the blood pressure machine...in fact she stood for 10 minutes reading the instruction manual! She tapped at the keyboard with one finger as if it was the first time she'd seen one.Most of the questions I had answered before on previous hospital visits, ' Do you smoke?' 'Do you drink?'. I answered them but didn't really need to hear how Sabina would answer them but she discussed at length her infrequent alcohol intake."Are you pregnant?" She asked."No," I answered in the same monotone I had answered the rest."Are you bored?" Asked Sabina."A bit," I lied, but added, " you are actually making me look forward to the operation Sabina!" I was losing the will to live.When she finally finished the computerised questionairre it asked if she wanted to save everything. She pressed 'no' and said "let's go find a bed."There wasn't an empty one so we ended up back in the seating area with the computer monitor.An empty bed was wheeled past. "Shall we grab that one," I said jumping up.Sabina got me in the bed and it was then I realised that all the other nurses were interviewing their patients standing by their beds. Sabina didn't stand...she preferred to sit.Sabina went and the long wait began from 9.30 until 1. 20. The guy in the next bed was having a heart valve replacement. A nurse came and pulled the curtains around him saying she had to shave him. The shaver buzzed for a bit before she said "...and now the pubic region. Do you want me to get one of the guys to do it?""I don't want anyone to do it." He said. He ended up doing it himself in the loo.Eventually I heard my name mentioned by the receptionist answering the phone and knew I was next. It was quite surreal being wheeled to theatre C5 feeling some relief that the wait was over and a lot of fear about what was ahead.I was wheeled into ante-room outside the operating theatre where they were finishing off the previous operation. I was greeted by a friendly nurse who soon disappeared into the theatre to help them clear up. I was alone for awhile and the fear became almost overwhelming and it took a lot of effort not to cry. Dr Cole appeared, who I met before when they decided to go ahead with the operation. He reviewed my charts with his trainee surgeon and drew an arrow on my left shoulder. The anaesthetist came in and fitted a canula into the back of my left hand and I discussed my fear of feeling everything while appearing unconscious but he said not to worry. He was honest and said some people feel the throat tubes going in or coming out but that it was rare and he would be monitoring me closely. I was asked more questions, "Do you smoke?, drink?" I jumped in and said "I'm not pregnant either."The anaesthetist appeared again saying "I am just going to give you some valium.""What is that for?" I asked."Just to keep you calm," he said...the next thing I knew a nurse was saying my name and it said 5 on a blurry clock. I couldn't keep my eyes open and kept seeing the nurse and then beautiful scenes of rocks, trees and water then the nurse again then back to the rock scenes.I was wheeled upto Ward 3C and soon after Dr Cole appeared out of the mist and said that it had all gone well and that he had been interested to see what it was so had cut it open when it came out and that it was full of pus. Nice! He said it was more like a cyst."How long have I had it?" I asked."Probably since you were born." He said.Ugh! A 50 year old pus bag.Will appeared and held my hand and stroked it quietly for ages as I drifted in and out of sleep. I told him I loved him and he thought it was the drugs making me emotional but I knew what I was saying and I meant it.