Badger Galore
Staying ‘Up Over’ for a while.
The Wang Conclusion.
So......I was back to see Dr Wang this morning.Bored Stacey was idly doodling on a pad behind the counter."Hi" she said and checked me in without asking my name. The waiting room was fairly empty. It was good. I didn't want to wait long.I didn't pay attention to 'TonicTV'.....my mind was elsewhere.When the guy in front of me finally came out, my heart started racing knowing I would be next......What was Dr Wang going to say?"Nicholas?"Here we go!.......and breathe.I followed him into his room."How are you?""Fine.......I have tried not to panic like you said but as the days have gone by I can't help but be a bit worried about it.""Don't worry," he said, ".....but there is something there."It wasn't a shock. I peered at the computer screen......"There is a cystic mass seen in the left base of the lung field posteriorly with surrounding spicules. Small specks of calcification also seen within this lesion. The nature of this cystic lesion is indeterminate. It could represent a cystic neoplasm (either primary or secondary).(This didn't sound good. Eeek!) The other consideration would be a benign cystic lesion as I cannot see any significant enhancement within this lesion. (I liked this bit better!) Cystic neoplasm will need to be ruled out. (I'm with you on this one!) Respiratory physician assessment is recommended. (O.K) Further assessment to consider would also be a PET study to assess if there is any activity within this lesion.(This is probably referring to the kittens!) Ultimately, a biopsy may need to be considered to confirm a diagnosis which should be done in a tertiary setting.(Again...Eeek!) No other major abnormality within the thorax. (Good news!)"He showed me where it was on the scans I had brought with me. It didn't look ominous.....just a white blob."Do you want to go private or public?""Er, I don't think I can afford private.""It will be between $200 and $300 for the initial consultation."'Yep, and then what after that?' I thought."I'll refer you publicly and you can think about it. I will mark it urgent."'Yikes! Don't say that!' I thought that doesn't help in keeping my kittens calm."You should hear in about 4 weeks. The Princess Alexandra or the QE II?"It was a no brainer..... I didn't want to go back to the QE II......"The PA please."He printed out the report and his referral letter and wrote 'URGENT!' on it and underlined it."Some patients might deteriorate rapidly and in that case we would send them to Emergency."I wondered if he could hear my kittens mewling at that!"Don't worry," he said."Well, I feel fine," I said.He escorted me out to Bored Stacey....."Come back if you haven't heard anything in 2 weeks. Stacey can you fax this to the PA and then give this copy to the patient?""Thank you, Dr Wang," I said.Stacey put the report and referral letter in the fax machine and went back to fiddling with some envelopes. She didn't speak.'Fly my pretty!' I thought as the fax machine slowly swallowed the papers and then spat them out.When it was done Stacey stapled the papers together and wrote 'Faxed 5/02/15' on them and handed them to me."See you," she said.Reading the full report of my first kidney CT scan, when I got home.....there is some good news."Both kidneys are normal in size and outline. Bladder appears normal with no obvious wall thickening."It does however say that there appears to be three small stones in my gallbladder and some evidence of Diverticulitis.The report from the most recent CT scan also has some good news. There are no abnormal lymph nodes in my chest cavity."Central mediastinal vessels all enhance normally. No sliding hiatus hernia is seen. (Good news! I thought I had one.) No pericardial effusion (Fluid build up....good!) A large cardiophrenic fat pad is noted. (How very dare they!) There is no pleural effusion seen. (No fluid on my lungs....good!) Limited view of the epigastric region does show fatty liver and uncomplicated gallstones. (Hurrumph!)""What do you fancy for tea? Something we had in the UK that we haven't had for awhile?" asked Will. He was being upbeat."What, as kind of my last meal?" I laughed."Stop it!" he said but he couldn't help smiling."Chinese?" I said."We can have Chinese if you want."I thought of my large cardiophrenic fat pad grunting 'FEED ME!' I decided against it."Curry and naan bread?"It probably wasn't any better but we haven't had it for ages and I fancied it. The kittens did too.We heard voices upstairs......Blue Care had come 20 minutes early for respite......It sounded like Peta........but it wasn't......it was Elaine!"Ahm a bit early but it dun't matter." She was already horizontal in the lounger next to Dulcie.If anything looked more like a cardiophrenic fat pad....she was it.So now.....if I ever refer to my insides as 'Elaine and the kittens', you'll know what I'm talking about.(I'm fine! Don't worry!..............but we always do don't we?)
Back to Nature.
A Crude Awakening!
No sooner had Will gone in the back door upstairs this morning than there was a rap on the front door. It was Elaine, the buffalo wrestler (potentially). She'd come to do Dulcie's shower.Dulcie wasn't even up yet nor was I.By the time I got upstairs it was all over. Dulcie was sat at the table all showered and Elaine appeared with an armful of towels from the bathroom..."Ello, luv!""Hello!""Did you watch the election?""We did.""Did ya see me on the telly? I were talking to Annastacia Palaszczuk. I'm famous now."Actually, I thought, you are more famous than you think!"Do people stop you in the street and ask for your autograph?" I enquired."Not yet," she laughed. I wasn't surprised. I doubt even Attila the Hun wouldn't have approached Elaine if he had bumped into her on the Mongolian plains.We were all laughing then she cut our laughs short with......."My husband passed away.""Oh, sorry," said Will."I'm very sorry to hear that," I said."Yes, on the 27th of Jan. I was driving home from work when I got the call..........we still haven't buried him yet."I couldn't help picturing him hanging under her house like a side of beef and Elaine using him as a punch bag.She didn't seem too upset. Four days after his death she was partying with Annastacia Palaszczuk!"Ey, is it right that, that Julie Bishop is going to replace Tony Abbott? I like 'er at least she 'as more about 'er. That Tony Abbott is a dick head!"It was too early in the morning to discuss politics.She went...."See ya luvee!" She waved to Dulcie."God, she's rough!" Said Dulcie when she was gone.You couldn't argue with that.
Having kittens.
So......with huge hailstones and 'I'm a Celeb' and other general business I have hardly had time to think about my spiculated solid mass...........much.The phone rang at 8.00 am."Hello, could we come for respite today at 11.15, or is that a problem?""That's a problem," I said, "I have a doctor's appointment at 10.20.""Ok, well, I'll just have to re- shuffle."......and she was gone.I got up and began drinking the water as directed.I started to get a bit nervous about the whole thing but mainly worried that Blue Care would not arrive on time.Dulcie was up early. Her face was a bit swollen again but we couldn't think what she could have eaten yesterday that was unusual.....there was nothing. She is always fed up when her face is swollen."Do you fancy a game of cards?" I asked after breakfast.She did.......I smashed it! I was lucky with the cards. It didn't help her mood.Blue Care arrived at 9.55.....I didn't hang around and got going.I was at the Radiology Clinic well before 10.20. It was not as busy as last time.I filled in the required form and sat waiting.I saw a 50c piecee sitting on the floor by the reception desk. Another woman had seen it too and was looking at it....but she didn't move.'See a penny, pick it up, and all that day you will have good luck!' The saying popped into my head.....I wondered if it worked in Australia.It was worth a go, under the circumstances.....so I jumped up and picked it up and pooped it on the desk saying to the receptionist, "This was on the floor."As soon as I sat down I heard someone on the TV, above where I was sat utter the words;"He was a walking dead man."I stifled a gulp."Nicholas?" A young Asian woman came for me."So, they saw something on a scan you had?""Yes, " I said following her into the CT Scan room I was in last week."Have you had a scan before?""Yes," I said, "here last week, in that machine." The metal do-nut looked like it was saying 'Oh!'She smiled. "Lie down please."I knew what to do."Oh, Nicholas, I'm going to have to ask you to take your shorts off.""Everything?!" I couldn't stifle this gulp."No, just your shorts, they have metal on them."I whipped them off. Thank goodness I wore underwear today!"Shuffle down, further, further, you're quite tall.....a bit further," she said. My feet were hanging off the bottom.I needed a chest scan with contrast which entailed injecting dye into my blood.She began to search for a vein. She rejected my left arm but was happy with what she found on my right arm."I need to put in a cannula. You will feel a sharp sting."I braced myself......it wasn't that bad."Right we will do a scan without the dye and then one with the dye. The first scan is low radiation." She did not say anything about the second scan but by inference assumed it would singe my chest hair.She left me and went into her booth.I slowly slid into the humming machine......I went much further in than I did last time and could see red lights circling round the the central hole."Are you ok?" She asked."Fine," I said.The lights disappeared and the humming stopped and everything went quiet.'Have I broken it?' I wondered. It wouldn't be the first time I have had an adverse reaction when out of my shorts.It was quiet but behind the transparent central core I could see something moving, like an iris focussing and then the humming started again."Take a deep breath in and hold it," said the machine loudly.I did and I slowly slid out again.I looked to my left for the screen that had been there last time but it was not there. It was now on my right and I couldn't quite see it properly.She came back."Right I am just hooking up the iodine dye to your cannula now. I will inject it from back there but I will tell you when I am going to do it."'Why was that? Is there a chance it might explode?' My mind was running riot."You might feel a warm sensation passing through your body and you might feel like you are peeing in your pants.""What?" I said, not quite believing what I had just heard." Some people feel that they are peeing their pants but they are not," she said.'Yikes, what if I do!' I thought.She left me again.I slowly slid back into the machine. This time my overhanging feet hit the wall and for a second thought I was going to be concertinaed but the machine stopped."Right, I am injecting the dye now."I heard a clicking sound, 'click, click, click, click.' I didn't feel any warmth. 'Click, click, click.' Crikey! How much dye was she putting in me? a final 'click.'"Take a deep breath and hold it' said the machine.I suddenly felt like I was peeing my pants. I breathed in and slowly slid out.She was back again."How do you feel?""Fine," I said. "I know what you mean about the peeing though."She laughed and unhooked the drip but left the cannula in."I'm just going to go and have a look at the scans. Are you OK lying there for 5 minutes or so?""Yes," I said.I stared up at the white clinical ceiling and the two fluorescent strip lights. It felt a bit like I was in a Sci-fi movie and I was waiting for the alien probe.She was somewhere looking for my spiculated solid mass. I wondered what she was thinking......."Oh, heck! poor chap."......."Nope, can't see anything."........."Mmmm, nice liver."Yikes, her first words were going to be very important......what was she going to say? She seemed to be a long time....was she steeling herself?She came back."How are you feeling?""Fine," I said, wondering if I actually was.She took the cannula out of my arm.....taking the adhesive strips off was more painful than the needle going in."I have your scans ready.""How did they look?""I have no idea," she said, "They were good pictures but it is up to the pathologist to say what they can see. The report will be with your doctor tomorrow morning."I pulled my shorts back on."All the best," she said."Thanks," I said and left.I called in at the surgery to make an appointment with Dr Wang.Bored Stacey was sat behind the desk, fiddling with some boxes. It looked like a new delivery of something. She looked disappointed that it was not chocolates.She looked up, 'acknowledging the customer'."Can I make an appointment to see Dr Wang tomorrow afternoon?" I asked."She peered at her computer......"No," she said, " he finishes at 1.00.""Thursday morning?""10.45?""Fine" I said."What's your surname again?""Allen.""Done."Back at Celtis St, Dulcie was playing Euchre with the Blue Care girl.I popped the bag with my scans in on the sofa and noticed for the first time that written in big letters across it was:'Exact Womens Imaging Clinics'.I turned the bag round so it didn't look like I was pregnant.......but realised in some sort of way I was......I was having kittens.